Broken.

I'm inconsolable right now.

I've been preparing all year for MTAP and what do I get for my last stint?

A bronze. And yet another snub from the Regional Team Finals.

The worst part about all of this is that it's my fault. We lost by 9. And we could've won by 1 if I hadn't screwed up the last two 5-point questions.

Disappointment? That's an understatement. I have no idea how to describe everything that's going through my head right now.

All those expectations have been hosed down the drain. They all pass and fly away before my eyes. I can't laugh, hell, I can't even cry.

What more do you want me to say?

I think I've said more than what's needed. You understand.

WHY.

Why is it that we see and hear about death everyday? Why is it that death has to happen everywhere around us?

Why here? Why now?

The worst part is that kids are the ones experiencing this five-letter word. Many die in crossfires. Other lose their lives in their lack of basic necessities. And others due to horrific diseases and ailments, like cancer.

I hate this part. I hate having to hear about it, especially since I'm one who loves kids and enjoys their company.

Just this year, I had to attend the funeral of one of my favorite kids. He was amazingly strong in his faith in God and he was amazingly persistent. Tenacious? Definitely. Badminton was never really his sport but he gave it his all. He impressed me with his willingness to learn and his determination to learn what he could. I was choked up inside.

And I had to give a eulogy. I was choked up inside and thinking to myself, "Why did he have to die, Lord? Why?"

And just today, I received another piece of heartbreaking news: A Kinder One student was suffering from a severe case of dengue. His condition is severe and he could pass away any time. Mom and I felt for him and his parents. To think that this kid is an only child. Not that his parents can't have another one, but the stigma of the loss might be just too much for them to take. I pray for him. Lord, please don't take this soul yet. Not now. Not while I'm still here in school.

It just helped me realize how privileged and blessed we are. This entity we call life is so ephemeral. We allow it to just pass by and we never make the most of it. We just want to get by and not be the best we can be.

Now I start to think about what I've done. Au contraire, what have I really done? What have I really done with the life given to me by the Omnipotent One?

I have yet to find out.

But as of now, there's that kid to pray for.

I hope and pray that God makes the best decision.